Written by bignbusty

17 Nov 2005

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,

> play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in

> my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out

> of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the

> bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot

> wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and

> you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and

> you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I

> mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure

> this out. (YA THINK!?!)


> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other

> stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so

> I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"

> yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it

> tight and pull.


> It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I

> can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of

> all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my

> next wax strip I move north.


> After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the

> ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one

> foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip

> across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my

> vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a

> long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!


> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision

> returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

> CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and

> spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear

> crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.


> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused

> me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in

> the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

> There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???


> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the

> hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

> CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is

> now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG

> mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I

> need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the

> slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I

> penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and

> think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may

> pop off!"


> What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll

> run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the

> wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,

> right???


> *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that

> used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I

> sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued

> together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of

> the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold

> wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had

> cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!


> God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone

> put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed

> before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good

> conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the

> bottom of the tub!"


> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal

> but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly

> where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"

> She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown

> and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!

> Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.


> While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off

> with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies

> covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and

> then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,

> dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need

> Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.


> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I

> really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!


> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my

> friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It

> works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.



> I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my

> grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF

> IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

> Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.



> Next week I'm going to try hair color......