Written by bignbusty
17 Nov 2005
one womans tale of woe
- 3 Comments
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5 minute read
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
> play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
> my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
> of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
> bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot
> wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
> you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
> you pull the hair right off. No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
> mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
> this out. (YA THINK!?!)
> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
> stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
> I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
> yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
> tight and pull.
> It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I
> can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of
> all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my
> next wax strip I move north.
> After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
> ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one
> foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip
> across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
> vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a
> long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
> returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
> CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
> spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
> crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
> me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
> the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
> There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
> hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
> CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
> now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
> mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
> need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the
> slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I
> penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
> think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
> pop off!"
> What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll
> run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
> wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
> *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that
> used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I
> sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
> together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
> the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold
> wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
> cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
> God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
> put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
> before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
> conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the
> bottom of the tub!"
> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
> but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
> where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
> She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
> and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
> Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
> While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off
> with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies
> covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
> then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
> dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
> Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
> really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
> friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
> works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
> I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
> grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
> IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
> Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
> Next week I'm going to try hair color......