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ceylon1
Over 90 days ago
Bisexual Female, 60
Straight Male, 61
UK
Forum
[color="red"]ok so not really a joke but I think it needs to be shared as it's quality material lol :bounce:[/color]
[size="18"]TASER GIFTING[/size]
This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that come with the laughter)
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
:rotflmao::rotflmao:
Now that was fun :thumbup:, must do it again sometime lol Although, next time truth or dare as well :censored:
mwahxxxxxxxx[quote user=mwm69]oh! FFS North....what are you like?? This was meant for BOTH of you ya plonker...so no prize i'm afraid.....and the prize was humungous by the way. Now you will have to wonder forever what it might have been LOL[/quote]
What a shame Mrs mwm now he will never know eh :censored::doh:
Well we think everyone will agree that MK3 was absolutely fantastic. So we wanted to say a massive thank you to Fluffies for all their hard work in organising it.
You did a fantastic job guys getting us all together, roll on MK4 and may they continue for many years to come.
Ceylons :inlove::inlove::inlove::inlove:
:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap:
MWM I thought the Jag had a good wash the other week :lol2::lol2::lol2:
As for our name... ceylon, nothing creative, when we joined we randomly picked it as it's where we took our honeymoon.. Thought it a nice name at the time lol. Never thought we'd still be here over two years later but so glad we are :love:
:thumbup: well said Sandi xx. We don't usually post on these threads nowadays as there as so many of them and we'd be repeating what others have quite rightly said. However, what makes us very sad is the fact that yes, good peeps feel they have to leave because of the half wit idiots who like to wind peeps up and be nasty for the rise.
It's human nature, people can be nasty however, here we can not choose to cross the road to get away from them. As a result these people are pushing the nice ones away but..............
can't you all see it's what they want, they must be rubbing their hands with glee and thinking yaaaay there goes another, who shall we pick on next. By leaving they have won 
We honestly don't see much of the bitching and tend to keep our opinions to ourselves. If there are any people who do bitch about us and we're sure there possibly are then quite simply, we don't care, they aren't worth the bother and they would never ever push us out from here.
Please, to those who are considering leaving and are reading this, ignore them, rise above them if you leave then surely they have won what they set out to do. If you feel threatened or anyone is behaving in a intolerable way towards you, then speak to a moderator, file an abuse report the moment you have any evidence, that is the right way to do it by staying calm and believe us when we say we're speaking from experience here and that they get caught out in the end. Try not to involve others in the chatroom as the situation then gets out of hand and ends up becoming a kindergarten
Think about it peeps and stay with us.
:inlove::inlove::inlove:
ceylons mwahxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
We honestly don't see much of the bitching and tend to keep our opinions to ourselves. If there are any people who do bitch about us and we're sure there possibly are then quite simply, we don't care, they aren't worth the bother and they would never ever push us out from here.
Please, to those who are considering leaving and are reading this, ignore them, rise above them if you leave then surely they have won what they set out to do. If you feel threatened or anyone is behaving in a intolerable way towards you, then speak to a moderator, file an abuse report the moment you have any evidence, that is the right way to do it by staying calm and believe us when we say we're speaking from experience here and that they get caught out in the end. Try not to involve others in the chatroom as the situation then gets out of hand and ends up becoming a kindergarten
Think about it peeps and stay with us.
:inlove::inlove::inlove:
ceylons mwahxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 