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Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 75
Bisexual Female, 75
0 miles · Kent
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An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch
> > several times in the space of a few minutes.
> >
> > The doris sitting nearby notices this and asks,
> > 'Is your date runninglate?'
> >
> > 'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch.
> > I was just testing it.'
> >
> > The intrigued doris says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?
> > What's so special about it?'
> >
> > The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to
> > talk to me telepathically.'
> >
> > The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
> >
> > 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
> >
> > The doris giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken
> > because I am wearing panties!'
> >
> > The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's
> > running about an hour fast'.......' Can I buy you a drink? '
> >
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car,
looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"... and
THAT'S when the fight started . .
A man joins the navy and is away for quite a while. After a couple of weeks, he asks one of his shipmates - "what do you do for sex around here?"He`s shown a barrel with a hole in it. Not impressed, he tries it anyway and loves it!!,and tries it the next day and the next!!"Can i do this eveyday?" he asks. Not on wednesdays. "Why not?" Cos Wednesday`s your turn in the barrel!!
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20,
even
though it's only for None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A doris will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical doris's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A doris has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A doris worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful doris is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A doris marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a doris expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A doris will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake u p as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A doris knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,
favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
_________________
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old doris is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
In my next life I want to live my life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.
And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without
water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocket-book. She has a pencil tucked behind
one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
Inland Revenue genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has
ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of
delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled
with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
*** MAN RULES ***
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT �£200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
A man came home from work, thinking no one else was home yet. As he hung up his hat and put down his briefcase, he heard loud moans coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what was going on, he crept stealthily up the stairs, tiptoed down the hallway and gently pushed open the door, to find his daughter lying flat on her back on her bed with her bra pushed over her breasts. Her knickers were around her ankles, her eyes were closed, her mouth was hanging slackly open and she was rubbing a Rabbit vibrator feverishly between her widespread thighs.
Shocked, he blurted out: "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Visibly shaken, but unable to stop so close to her orgasm, his daughter yelled at him to get out and shut the door.
Her father stumbled down the stairs in a daze and sat in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would abuse herself in this manner. Ten minutes later, his daughter walked in dressed in only her bra and knickers and admonished her dad for not knocking before entering, and then said: ""Censored" it, dad — I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?"
Her father said: "Listen — you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon."
She replied: "No, Dad. It's not gonna happen. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
A few weeks later, the daughter came home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and her Rabbit vibrator in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yelled out. "What the "Censored" are you doing?"
Her father casually looked up over his shoulder at her and said: "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a drink with my new son-in-law."
A man walks into a chemitis and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife, so she directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this...
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a packet of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tobacco pouch and some rizlas; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over
her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene : What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene : Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is
after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of
condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
What is the difference between girls/doris aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
A rather attractive doris goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"Im afraid I cant" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's on my bowling team.'
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!'
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old
continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can just stay there until I let you out!'
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I’m single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party."
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The doris rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
_________________
There is a factory in Northern
Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs
when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factoryfloor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's a ll over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of
fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into
laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together
and approached Lena .
"I'm sorry," he
said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...
Your job is to give Elmo two
test tickles."
hiya u sexy peeps
im leaving this site has been fun
and ive met some brill people and
those who have got my email and
number keep in touch
luv u guys
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