John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
to be honest.....forgot they were there months ago........
well.....im an amatuer gynocologist..........im not very good but i dont mind taking a look at it :giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle:......actually on a career break and enjoying the sunshine!:thrilled:
A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young moms and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the 1st mother, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the 2nd mother, 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turns to the 3rd mother. 'Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers come on, Dick, we're leaving!'
A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed
a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:
'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which
airline she works for. '
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the
Delta Airline slogan, 'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought
to himself:' Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he
leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked
himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said,
'Smooth as Silk?'
This time the woman turned on him and said, 'What the F*** do
you want?'
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - 'Ahhhhh,
Ryanair!'
Wrapping presents with a Cat
1 Clear a large space on a table or worktop for wrapping your present.
2 Go to cupboard and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.
3 Open door and remove cat from cupboard.
4 Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5 Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6 Go to drawer, and collect sellotape, ribbon, scissors, labels, etc..
7 Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be performed in a logical manner.
8 Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and place string on table.
9 Remove boxed present from paper bag.
10 Remove cat from paper bag.
11 Open box to check present is in it, remove cat from box, replace present in box.
12 Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13 Try and smooth out paper, discover cat is underneath and remove cat.
14 Cut paper to size, keeping the cutting line as straight as possible.
15 Discard first sheet of paper due to cat chasing scissors and tearing paper.
16 Cut second sheet of paper to size and restrain cat by putting it in bag present came in.
17 Place present on paper.
18 Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Discover cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
19 Place heavy object on paper to hold in place while tearing sellotape to length.
20 Spend fifteen minutes carefully trying to remove sellotape from cat.
21 Seal paper with sellotape, making corners as neat as possible.
22 Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.
23 Try to wrap present and tie ribbon in a pretty bow.
24 Re-tie ribbon and remove paper, which is now ripped due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.
25 Repeat steps 13 - 20 until you are down to your last sheet of paper.
26 Decide to skip steps 13 - 17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.
27 Put present in box, and secure with string.
28 Remove string, open box and remove cat.
29 Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for bathroom.
30 Once inside bathroom, lock door and start to lay out paper and materials.
31 Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and re-lock.
32 Repeat previous step as often as is necessary until you can clearly hear cat on other side of locked door.
33 Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult if you have a small bathroom, but do your best).
34 Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door, go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Then remember you haven't got any because cat helped wrap present last year as well.
35 Return to bathroom, lock door, sit on lavatory and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
36 Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sellotape. Attach pretty ribbon and decorate with additional bows to hide worst areas.
37 Label present. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on completing a difficult job.
38 Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make stiff drink and feed cat.
39 Spend twenty minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
40 Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
41 Have several more stiff drinks. Then pick up present and stagger back to shop and get nice assistant to gift-wrap present for you.
__________________
ladies beach volleyball :thumbup:
[quote user=salsapaul2]shag... funny word isn't it
To a smoker its a tobacco
To an American its a dance
To an ornithologist its a bird
To you it's just a remote possibility[/quote]
like the word 'fanny'......the yanks are always back to front......and never ask one if they have a fag to spare.....bwahahahahahaha:giggle::giggle::giggle:
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Great Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be builders of empires, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them. I call them French."
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money he turns to a customer and asks 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temple killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied 'No sir! I didn't, but my wife did.'
same prob here
its probably admin tinkering with the code
try asking thro the support centre
btw...if you are doing a search do you not use the 'premium' filter to get rid of the free members anyway?
A guy met an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad
at all, and he found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot
daughter.
They drank a bit, and got more cozy, and she asked if he'd ever
had a 'Sportsman's Double'?
'What's that?' he asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
'Oh...' he said as his mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't.'
And he wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. They drank a
bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was his lucky night.
They went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake?'
i think you will find the mail only went to those that either pay monthly or have let thier subs expire.......lioness took up the offer so we are both back on as full members in our own right :happy::happy:
A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man says, “I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Poor man asks, “Why did you buy her two gifts?†The rich man replies, “Well, in case she doesn’t like the diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. “I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, “Why did you buy her those gifts?!†The poor man replies, “Well, in case she doesn’t like the flip flops, she can go f*ck
a head!.......piddly little ammount for the fun thats gonna be had........get it booked fluffy! :beer::beer::beer:
chip....say hi to her and that we are thinking of her....so glad everything went well
carole
i wish you all the best of luck and happiness in the world :bounce::bounce::bounce:
you know you mean a lot to me for a lot of reasons and none of them are to do with this place, and i cant think of anyone who deserves happiness more
just keep in touch.....dont forget where your friends are
paul
[quote user=jugsspider]we have been told swinging Heaven have bought swinger personals and both sites are having problems think [/quote]
both sites have always been owned by the same people so i would guess they will both be using the same server.........and dont forget that only a week or so ago they posted in the forum that they were trying to update the server with a new one, coud be awkward if they are using one sited in the states or somewhere if admin are based in uk......and of course since they keep office hours they will not know theres a problem at night til they get in in the morning....seen this problem at a dif site.....one solution would be if mods had a way of contacting admin.....a moby number to txt for example.....then they could get hold of them at any time......normally all it takes is the server rebooting/resetting
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from the pub.
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most
Of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only
Broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a
Dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise...
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain
He saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box
Approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more
Clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put
His head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........
BUMP.... BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he
Heard the coffin speed up after him ...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was
Only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his
Keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,
Slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
Slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through
The front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
Allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued
Its chase ..
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could
Take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and
Launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
Bathroom door flew off its hinges ...
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
Terrified lad.
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
Cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at
The coffin ... still it came ........
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it
Came......
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...
The coffin stopped.
i can only agree with suds........i had a ruptured disk a few years back.....was in permanant pain.....had the keyhole surgery and never looked back......i was just lucky cos my company at the time picked up the tab..........
just hang in there......it will be worth while in the end
put a bowl of milk out............that will attract the little bugger :haha:
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly; him in the upper bunk and her in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good,"she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
:giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle:
a great time was had by all....:happy::happy::beer::beer:......thanks cc .......see you again next year? :giggle:
[quote user=venusformars]Ohhhhhhhhhhh ..whats that film ....Billy Connolly In a kilt , with eye-patch ..= perfect ..if I could remember what it was called ...Queen & him flirting on the moors film .[/quote]
mrs brown?
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called
her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" Mom
asked.
"Oh, mother," she began, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had
a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really
horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-
letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!"
And the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
"But, honey," the mother countered, "what four-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what
four-letter words he used."
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook."
fluffies......booked and paid for :bounce::bounce::bounce:........see you there :beer::wave2::beer::wave2::beer::wave2:
[quote user=venusformars]
Bearing in mind ...I only wear black .
[/quote]
it will have to be the Black Watch tartan then
you wear black and we can can all watch! :giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle:
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Great Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be builders of empires, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them. I call them French."