Jokes

9 Jun 2007

You may have heard them before, but brought a smile to my face. I hope they do yours. THE GYNECOLOGIST ================ A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place!" JUST NOT WORTH IT ================= A man enters his favourite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. Her note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a BMW in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants!" The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her. His note reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Volvo in my garage. I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK!" OUCH ==== A poacher was in the woods, busy cleaning out some rabbits he had snared when he heard a rustle in the bushes. Fearing the arrival of the gamekeeper, he froze into stillness and peered through the bushes to see who was there. Relieved to see it wasn't the gamekeeper, but was instead the local vicar relieving himself in the woods, the poacher decided to take revenge for all the sermons that had been delivered so pointedly aimed at him in the past. Taking some rabbit entrails, he carefully and quietly poked them underneath the squatting vicar, and then stole away to await the vicar's appearance back on the road. The vicar emerged from the wood, looking as white as a sheet. "Good morning, Vicar" said the poacher, "how are you this fine day?" "Terrible" replied the vicar, " I was taken short and had to enter the woods to relieve myself and whilst doing my business, I lost all of my insides - but by the Grace of God, and with a little stick, I managed to get them back in again" LAST WORDS ========== The man was distraught, his wife laying on their bed and close to death. "Look under the bed " she whispered to him, "take out what you find there". Her husband reached under the bed and drew out a large locked trunk. Handing him a key from under her pillow, his wife told him to open it. On opening the trunk, the man found £7000 and three hens eggs. On seeing his quizzical expression, his wife confessed to him that she had placed an egg inside the trunk every time she had been unfaithful to him. Hurt at first, the husband then considered that three eggs in 30 years of marriage wasn't as bad as he had first thought, so he then asked about the £7000. "Ah" said his wife, "every time I got a dozen eggs I sold them to the village shop for 50p"