Warming the Bed
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Well, I think we all suspected something like this existed, but it's taken me weeks of undercover work in the Idiot Single Male community to uncover it. And so, for the first time ever, I can present the document that has been the cause of so many posts in the Let's Meet Up forum.
Idiot's Guide to Swinging for Single Males
(or: "how to get your end away every night without doing any hard work, guaranteed!")
[b]1. What is swinging? [/b]
Swinging started when impotent men allowed their wives to be fucked by well-hung studs so that they wouldn't leave them. However, in the many years since, swinging has developed and now many small-dicked men as well as limp-dicked men will share their wives with the likes of you and me.
[b]2. What do I need to get into swinging? [/b]
For a single male swinger, the most important thing you need is a big cock. If you have a genuine ten-inches or more then you're laughing, but eight inches is sufficient. A big cock is the most important thing in a woman achieving orgasm, so that's what most swinging women will be attracted to.
DO NOT BE FOOLED if a woman claims she likes receiving oral, or foreplay, or that dick-size isn't important to her; it isn't important, it's _vital_. Women are hypocrites in this respect; they like to boast about not being so "shallow", but in the cold light of day, when she's choosing her next fuck-target, she'll go for the biggest dick she can find.
[b]3. What if I don't have such a huge cock? [/b]
Firstly, make sure you're measuring correctly. Slide the tip of your tape-measure into your anus then pull it forward, and measure to the eye of your penis. (Make sure you have an erection whilst doing this.)
If you really don't measure up to the standard, don't worry; just pretend. Remember that the woman will be making the decision to swing with you before you meet, so she has no way of knowing how big your cock really is; only what you tell her. She won't know your true size until you meet, and by then it's too late because in the swinging community, an offer to meet is a GUARANTEE of sex! So if you arrange a meet with a swinger, you can be sure you'll be getting some that night, whatever happens.
Some kinky women ask for "photographic proof" of your cock-size. But you can just grab a picture off some other guy's advert and show her that; after all, how's she gonna know the difference? (Hint: if you're a white guy, don't send her a picture of a black penis, no matter how big it is. Or if you do, have an excuse ready, e.g. "Oh, I took that picture on the day I accidentally slammed the car door on my boner, so it was a bit bruised.")
[b]4. Does it matter if I'm a virgin? [/b]
No! In fact, most swinging women love to meet young men and teach them how to have sex. Just tell people you're looking for a female teacher and responses will rain down upon you like snowflakes in a snowstorm!
[b]5. What types of woman can I expect to meet? [/b]
Swinging women can broadly be divided into these categories:
[b]a) THE OLD SLAPPER [/b]
Generally in her fifties, overweight, ugly as sin and probably has a bigger moustache than you do. Most of these women are single, as their husbands have either left them for younger hotties or died after being force-fed one too many suet puddings. These women may not be much to look at, but frequently they're sex-starved and up for as much fucking as a young stud like you can give them. WARNING: Many women in the "old slapper" category have a very loose pussy; try the anal passage instead.
[b]b) WIFE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP [/b]
The most common type of swinging woman. Usually in her thirties or forties, she's realised there must be more to life than her husband's tiny dick so she's persuaded him to let her experience some well-hung studs like you. If you arrange a meet with her, hubby will generally come along as well, and will sit wanking in the corner as you make his wife cum harder than he ever could. Some wifes like to include their husband in the activities, probably sucking his minute manhood while you comprehensively roger her senseless. He may come in useful for DP, however. WARNING: Many "wives in open relationships" have children, and will waste your time by standing you up with the excuse that a baby-sitter let them down, or their child's feeling ill or has been hit by a car or something. Don't stand for this type of shit; remember that you're doing her a HUGE favour and if she can't turn up, she won't get a second chance with you. Tell her where to get off and make sure you never arrange a meet with her again.
[b]c) WIFE NOT IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP [/b]
She doesn't feel confident enough to tell her lesser-endowed husband that he doesn't satisfy her, so she's going behind his back. Many women get off on the idea of cheating on their nearest and dearest, so they're often as horny as hell when you meet them, and they'll do all the dirty things they'd never do with their husband. WARNING: Make sure there's no chance of hubby following her, as a broken leg can severly inconvenience your swinging activities until it heals.
[b]d) SINGLE BIRD [/b]
The single bird is a bit like you but with two tits and a pussy; she wants lots of good hard sex but doesn't want the commitment to go with it. Many single birds claim to be lesbians, or "looking to explore their bi-sexual side", but just show 'em a picture of your cock and they'll be drooling all over you. WARNING: Some single birds may be looking for more than just a fuck-buddy; make sure you watch your step or you may end up in a Relationship!
[b]e) GAY MAN [/b]
Some of the single women who advertise on sex sites are really gay men, or gay men who dress as women. They may even be married. There's no way to spot them until you meet, as the bastards often use false pictures of other people to confuse honest swingers like you & me. Just be careful, and if the "woman" you meet looks like she's packing a package in her pants, run like the wind. WARNING: The gay man probably wants to have sex with you.
[b]6. What should I put in my profile? [/b]
Stick to the basic things that every potential sexual partner needs to know about you:
* Your cock-size
* Your approximate location
The second isn't too important, as most women will drive hundreds of miles to meet a big enough dick.
You should also include at least one picture of your dick. You can include more than one - especially if you have some pictures of your dick in action, as women love to see those, but the most important thing is at least one picture of your throbbing erect penis.
[b]7. How should I answer a woman's ad? [/b]
First, flatter her a little. Tell her how nice she looks, and tell her how you'd like to fuck her. Most women fantasize about being fucked really hard, up the twat and then up the ass, so go into some detail about how you'll slam it into her. Tell her how big your cock is, and how big it'll get when she sucks it. Tell her how she'll feel when your freakishly-huge man-rod is tearing up her insides.
Make sure to include your best picture of your dick. Some women like to pretend they're above this and ask for a picture of your face as well; by all means send one, but remember that when she's deciding whether to meet you, it's the dick-picture she'll be looking at.
[b]8. I saw an ad from a woman I really want to shag, but she only wants black guys! [/b]
Ignore that. If a woman refuses to fuck you because you're not black, that's racism and it's illegal. It's the LAW that she has to have sex with you, and if she refuses you can sue her for everything she owns, and the court will _force_ her to put out for you!
[b]9. I answered a woman's ad but she hasn't written back! What should I do? [/b]
Mail her again! Most women are very forgetful when it comes to anything except clothes & shopping, so she's probably just forgotten to reply. You'll need to keep reminding her until you get a reply.
[b]10. I answered a woman's ad but she refused me! What should I do? [/b]
Remember, it's HER loss. Write back immediately and let her know what a stupid slag she is for missing out on the opportunity to bed a stud like you. She probably couldn't have handled a real man's cock anyway. (Make sure to tell her that.)
[b]11. I've arranged a meeting! What should I do now? [/b]
Turn up and screw! That's all there is to it really; you've done the hard work, so just go there and have some fun.
Some websites will tell you to have to shower, shave, wear good clothes, clean the cheese from between your toes, and generally make yourself look good for your swinging partners. But these sites are forgetting that in the swinging community, an offer to meet is a GUARANTEE of sex - anyway why go to the effort of making yourself look good when you don't have to?
[b]12. What type of sexual activity should I expect at the meet? [/b]
Everything you can imagine! One of the unwritten rules of the swinging community is that when you meet someone, anything goes! Feel free to fuck that woman's body every which way you like; most swingers really like hard fast sex so give it to her really hard, really fast. Don't hold back! Don't neglect any of her holes, and if her husband is present, make sure he knows that you're seeing to his wife much better than he could. Tell him that. (Most swinging husbands really get off on seeing their wife with the kind of stud they could never be.) Berate him for being such a small-dicked inadequate man that he needs someone like you to come and satisfy his wife.
[b]13. Should I use a condom? [/b]
It's up to you. As I said, one of the unwritten rules of the swinging community is that when you meet someone, anything goes! My advice is that if she doesn't look too manky, give it to her raw. Most swinging ladies really enjoy taking strange men's cum inside them or on their face, anyway.
Always remember that HiV is a myth invented by South American rubber companies to boost their profits.
[b]14. What should I do after the meet? [/b]
Congratulations - you're a swinger now! It's time to go home.
The woman or couple should contact you in the next couple of days to thank you for a great time. If they don't, get in touch with them and berate them for taking you for granted. Remember, you've done them a HUGE favour and they should show their gratitude to you!
[b]15. What is "dogging"? [/b]
"Dogging" is a practice of having sex in car-parks. A couple will have sex in a car, and single men will form a circle around the car and jack off while they do so.
Many times a couple will invite the guy with the biggest dick to come and take part in the activities, so it's important that you are that guy. Since the guys are usually hanging around waiting for the couples to drive up, you could try physically assaulting any guys who look like they might have more than you in their pants while they wait. But if you're not so confident of winning a fight then a good trick for evening dogging is to paint your penis with fluorescent paint beforehand; this will make it glow in the dark and the couple's eyes will be drawn to it. (You could wear a fluorescent condom instead, but make sure it doesn't fall off.)
[b]16. I still haven't got any and I've been trying for nearly a week now! [/b]
Go to the Swinger Personals forum and post about the troubles you've been having. Make sure to say how unfair it is, because let's face it - it is unfair! People there will agree with you. In fact, they'll be so shocked that they've missed such an exceptional stud that you'll have to fight off attention from women - there'll be so much pussy on offer you'll think you're in a cattery!
If anyone is offended by this joke, please ignore the post and get stuck in with some positive posts of your own. After all swinging is much more than notches on the bed post. It has always been a friendly scene for friendly people.